Cosmos-Liturgy-Sex

The antiphon for the first Psalm from this morning’s morning prayer reminds me of one of the great challenges of the spiritual life…at least mine any way.  The antiphon reads:

When will I come to the end of my pilgrimage and enter the presence of God?

About a year ago a very good friend of mine made a comment similar to this as we were talking one evening.  Unfortunately, as I am wont to do, I responded with my thoughts on the matter rather than listening to her.  Here are some of those thoughts for what they are worth.

I lived for the first three decades of my life in a veritable spiritual coma until God, in in His great mercy, sent His Holy Spirit to administer a holy 2×4 upside my hard Irish noggin.  Slowly but surely as I came to understand of God’s great love and His plan for us, I found myself yearning for a quick end to the journey in order to experience what eye has not seen.  That is, I did until my spiritual life began to progress and I came to realize how unprepared I was.

A couple of years ago, this was made quite clear to me.  One evening, my wife noticed that my right pupil was dilated more than my left.  I mentioned this to my doctor who showed great concern.  He immediately scheduled me for a battery of exams and referred me to several specialists.  As I was to learn that there were quite a few possible causes for this; most of them very serious to fatal.

Over the next couple of months I had ample opportunity to contemplate this question.  The experience was a most sobering one.  The very real possibility that this question might be answered: “very shortly,” brought what I knew previously in a more dispassionate way home to me in a much more personal way.

I realized that my moral courage was quite lacking. I realized that my trust in God left much to be desired.  I came to understand how very large the gap was between where I was and where I needed to be.  This made an imminent  particular judgment not a joyful prospect.  Eventually, I received a benign diagnosis.  Perhaps this is why I have not made all that much progress since then.

Nevertheless, at times the insanity of life can still cause me to ask this question.  But now I recognize much more clearly that my yearning needs to correspond better to my personal holiness.  Thus, during these times I pray for the holiness needed to be ready to pray this antiphon.