Cosmos-Liturgy-Sex

I was listening to a local radio station today. The DJ profiled a woman whose boyfriend wanted to spend occasional “guy time” away from her. He told her he needed this time to be alone or to hang out with the guys. He said this had nothing to do with him not loving her. He just needed the alone time. She said that she couldn’t understand this, because she didn’t feel she needed time away from him. The point of the show was that the DJ was soliciting opinions from the listening audience on behalf of the woman.

So, what would you say? In the past, I would have had to think about it for a while, and I still doubt if I would have had a clear answer that seemd to be right. After my class at the John Paul II Institute titled “Neurological and Psychological Dimensions of Gender”, the answer is obvious to me. The problem is that we often buy into the unisex message of our culture, which says that other than the obvious biological differences, men and women are the same. Not so! This is not true from a theological or scientific perspective.

Theologically, using John Paul II’s theological anthropology (i.e. theology of the body), men and women are complementary. This does not mean that each have qualities that the other lacks–i.e. they are each “a half a person”–and they come together to make a whole person. Rather, each is a fully human person (i.e. embodying the fullness of humanity). Each is what the other is, but differently. Men primarily give in a receiving kind of way, and women primarily receive in a giving kind of way. Think about it. JP II says that “the body revelas man”. Look at the sex organs of each, and they highlight the man’s giving and the woman’s receiving. But it’s not like men only give and women only receive. They both do both, but differently. Men and women are 2 different incarnations of what it means to be human.

Now what does science tell us? Brain studies show that the brains of women and men are radically different. Most women function primarily from the left side of the brain. With men, it is the right side. The left side controls language, feeling, intuition, and concrete details. The right side controls abstract ideas, principles, objectives, geography and map reading, and is oriented toward a wholistic vision (i.e. setting goals). Keep in mind that these are generalizations, and men and women vary as to how much these 2 sides are integrated. Some men may be more like women and vice-versa. The point is that we think differently. So why can’t the woman from the radio show understand the need of her boyfriend? Because she’s not a man! Her conclusion that “she doesn’t need alone time means that he doesn’t”, assumes men and women are basically the same.

Men often like to be alone because this is how they de-stress. Women tend to de-stress by talking, because it releases a brain chemical called oxytosin that gives them a good feeling and allows them to bond better with others. For men, talking will often increase stress. This “not talking” or being alone is often interpreted by the woman as a sign of rejection, yet that is not necessarily the case. Men also de-stress by doing physical things, like playing sports rather than by talking about problems and feelings.

The bottom line, is that in the case of the woman on the radio, both her and her boyfriend need to understand gender differences and appreciate these differences as a gift. As Cardinal Ratzinger says, they are an invitation for men and women to collaborate. These differences are meant to unite, not divide. The problem is selfishness. Again, this goes back to being a gift for the other. You enter marriage in order to give, not primarily in order to get. It’s in the giving that we receive. As Vatican II says, and JP II often repeated, “man can only find himself in a sincere gift of self” (Gaudium et Spes, Vat II docs).

It’s interesting to note that in the Old Testament, the men of Israel would go off in a group (just the men) at various times. Men need to do things with just men, i.e. bond with other men. Ideally, this should serve to strengthen them in their manhood and their role as a father and husband if they are married.

Lastly, in general, men’s biggest fear is enmeshment, i.e. losing themselves in the personality of the woman. Women’s biggest fear is abandonment. For men, this issue stems from issues in separating from their mother and being properly initiated into manhood by a trusted male mentor. For women, this stems from lack of closeness to their father. Another reason a man may need alone time is that he feels he’s becoming enmeshed. This is an issue related to lack of healthy development that can be treated, but it is another issue that needs to be addressed in light of the woman caller’s dilemma.

I would like to say much more about this topic, but I don’t have the time. I have only scratched the surface. The bottom line in all these cultural questions is that we need to always seek answers in terms of “what does it mean to be a person”? What is does it mean to be a male person and a female person? What is the purpose of relationships, dating, and marriage? Our culture seeks answers to these questions in terms of “ME”, and what can I get? Rather than in what can I give? It seeks answers according to a false vision of the human person; so it’s solutions are bound to fail. We all have a vocation to love that can only be fulfilled in a sincere gift of ourselves. Yes, this entails suffering because suffering is the form that love takes in a fallen world. If you want to know how to treat your spouse (especially us men), no words are needed: just look at a crucifix. Jesus Christ is THE MAN. God Bless.